Man, you want to tell ‘em how it is!  But that is the worst idea you’ve ever had.  Really. Do your future self a solid; shut up, and sit on your hands.  Step away from all communication technology to come out ahead.

SAD ABOUT IT:

I considered knocking on the door of my future ex-wife’s lover.  I wanted to punch him in the face until he was bloody. For a few days I imagined shooting him as he got in his car.  Clearly, there’s a theme here. I had his phone number at the ready, and I knew his address. The bastard. I also figured the internet could be one hell of a tool for shaming his ass and making sure others knew he was a low-down, dirty, and conniving piece of sh*t.  At the same time that I was going through these irrational (but normal) feelings, I realized that most communication was bad news. Interacting with anyone connected to my soon-to-be ex just made me sadder, and it opened doors to miscommunication and the blame game. All the rage was best expressed in private and to my people, and violence–of course–was so stupid that it was off the table.  Almost as stupid, though, is the impulse you have to communicate with your future ex or her people (or even a lot of your “shared” people) when you are insane, and right now you might be insane. I was.

MAD ABOUT IT:

My ex did not cheat on me.  At least, I don’t think she did.  But she did want to provoke me. In retrospect, I think she even wanted me to slip up so she could bleed me dry.  One day she was complaining about my lack of depth and understanding for her. Mind you, I was the breadwinner, the more involved parent, and the guy that bought her fancy chocolate when she cleaned up her shoes and vacuumed.  Oh, and I spent countless f*cking hours in couples therapy just to end up divorced when our time was up. Anywho, she got so frustrated that she raised her fists and came damn close to hitting me. I could have reacted in the heat of the moment, but the cooler head prevailed.  Thank goodness. She was never able to accuse me of any type of abuse. Verbal or physical. Let her pour gasoline all over you, just never hand her the match to set you on fire.

SAD ABOUT IT:

As I dealt with the pain of it all, my cell phone seemed a glowing totem of my sadness.  It reminded me that, in theory, I could call anyone in the world, but most of the time I didn’t want to talk to anybody.  The worst thing was that I was stuck on the east coast at the time. My people over that way were wonderful, but they had lives that required them to sleep when it got dark; darkness always sharpened my pain.  I had dropped out of my day-to-day midwestern work life thanks to an understanding boss. Trying to come to terms with everything, I would stay up late, drinking and moaning in sadness. (This sort of thing is understandable but not recommended.)  It was really tough to deal with late nights full of wild thoughts and hurt. You may be there right now. If you are, think about any west coast friends you might have, and give them a call. Strangely, my divorce rekindled friendships I had neglected.  These were solid friendships, but I hadn’t kept up with my west coast people because life had pulled me deeper and deeper into a central time zone lifestyle. But with three hours of difference and a whiskey-laced mind, I found myself connecting with my west coast people as they talked with me through the east coast night (for them it was just the evening).  Turns out they missed me too. I regained deep connections with those folks, mostly by remembering and reminiscing about crazy sh*t we had done together, and my late night calls–which still continue–grew more and more sober, less and less tinged by sadness. Now we talk about meeting up, going on vacations, TV, all sorts of sh*t. That may be a ways off right now if you’re in hell.  But here’s my point: Have a list of people you can reach out to when you’re rock bottom, and consider your options in terms of time zones. Make the list, and write down the numbers. Consider which of those people would be among your “cancer friends.” Those are the ones who you’d reach out to if you were sick with cancer–the people who will talk to you no matter what is wrong because they love you.   Right now you have a cancer eating away at your spirit, so talk to your cancer friends about it–especially if you feel the need to talk to someone when you’re low. There is no need for you to suffer alone. And talking helps. Worst case scenario, check out “Welcome to Hell” for crisis line phone numbers. Let me clear: Don’t call random people when you are drunk or crying. Definitely don’t call her when you’re like that.  But make a plan to call your people or to call people who are there to help if you just need to communicate in the thick of the pain. And stay off your social media platforms. I can say that easily because I’m that just-too-old-of-a-weirdo who has never got on social media except to lurk; my accounts are pretty much dormant. Perhaps that makes my communication situation different than yours, but Mad About It is a modern man.  He has thoughts on how to deal with the matrix…

MAD ABOUT IT:

You like hip hop?  Ever listen to Deltron 3030?  More on music and appropriate playlists later. There is a line on that album: “Crises precipitate change.”  My formerly betrothed did a whole lot of changing, like midlife crisis style changing. In her journey of self-indulgent self-discovery she wanted to bare her soul-shifting authenticity all over social media.  Incidentally, yours truly was never painted in a flattering light in these posts, but what-f*cking-ever. She was in crisis mode, and she was changing. Her posts were long, self-obsessed, and self-congratulatory.  Sometimes they carried a whiff of genuine crazy. Common friends, meaning our shared crew, were shocked and awed by some of, if not the majority of, these reeling posts–to the point where it became a bit of a thing to do dramatic readings of her posts out loud for a laugh. The darker side of me enjoyed knowing that I wasn’t the only one who thought this sh*t was crazy.  My better angels felt sad and sympathetic for her. Your ex is likely going to go through some hard changes. Right or wrong, your ex will probably say some varying degree of offensive stuff about you. You will want to fire back. Guess what? Don’t. Put petty aside and focus on the positive forces in your life. Use those forces to build yourself up. There is so much truth in the old adage that “the best revenge is living well.”

SAD ABOUT IT:

My future ex was posting sh*t that I thought was crazy, too, but I held back from commenting on things or contacting her.  Still, I “had to” look, I “had to” lurk.  That’s how I learned a very real lesson of the divorce dance: Cyberstalking will depress you, so don’t do it.  I did it, and I’m telling you it did me no good. It gave me false hope here and there, and that sucked. It also allowed my ex to mask whatever was happening with her through an occasional picture of well-garnished soup or a video of a whirligig.  Those things just made me feel lame for being in the dumps. The comparative part of the brain is cruel in such situations. The same can be true about an analytical mind run amuck. Watch yourself. You might find yourself trying to interpret everything if you go down this rabbit hole.  (“What does it mean that she’s eating squash soup?”) What can you do to combat such insanity? I like the idea presented in The Amazing Jessica James.  She and her guy are going through hard break-ups.  (He, actually, is getting over a divorce, and doing a poor job of it.)  Anyway, the two lead actors start screwing around, so they agree to stop following their ex people, but they begin following each other’s ex people to keep one another informed.  Pretty cute. Possibly an option for you–if you have a close buddy who will indulge your obsession. The takeaway: Anything is definitely better than following your own ex online.  One more cautionary story on this front. I “couldn’t stop,” and it was the worst at holidays. My mom found me in tears and somewhat belligerent on Christmas Eve; I got that way over a selfie my ex posted of herself with her new man.  Then came New Year’s Eve, and I was with my friends. They went in the other room. One glance at a stupid video post sent me sneaking out the backdoor, walking a solid mile to buy cigarettes and booze. Later, I staggered back to my buddies’ house reeking of tobacco, and my friends looked at me like the mess I was.  It was embarrassing and pathetic. Don’t repeat such follies. Just stop. I made a ban on social media lurking my New Year’s resolution, and this resolution of mine held for a solid eight months. Then something set me off, I peeked, and my reaction was one of disgust and–oddly–relief about how little I gave a sh*t.  But my ability to have that reaction took time away from social media, and that’s what you likely need at this point. So stop stalking for a beat. In fact, take a long break from her digital life. You don’t have to wait until the holidays to commence your digital cessation regime. Find a reason to resolve yourself to letting go now, and know you might have to do this a few times…but you will have to do this.  So start weaning yourself off of her ASAP. Tell some people you trust that you’re doing this. Create accountability to generate your freedom. Take one small step, man, and it will prove a giant leap.

MAD ABOUT IT:

Don’t allow yourself to get into a conversation that could suck you back into a sh*tty relationship. If you are reading this, chances are you have had some time away from your former wife. That can allow for the fires of frustration to die down, which is nice, but potentially dangerous, to be sure. I say this because I was very close to stepping right back into the marriage, and that would have been the same old dance with the same old partner. So what to do? This time apart–while potentially difficult, dark, and lonely–provides you with thinking time. It’s a space for real reflection; I mean, you’ll be thinking about it anyway, so try to think about it in a productive way. What worked? What did you love or hate, or like, or detest about the dynamics between you two? Would it be worth another shot? No one knows the answer to that question but you, and I just strongly caution you to take time to weigh it out. It could be very easy to fall back into a lousy but comfortable situation. The devil you know can be a sweet siren. Eyes up, stay sharp.

SAD ABOUT IT:

Get an editor for your emails, and make that person someone you trust.  Having someone look at what you write is a human thing to do. Be sure, though, to send the correct draft of your message to your future ex, and then don’t read it over and over again.  There would be nothing lamer–nothing sadder–than sending an email to your ex that, at the top, said something like, “Hey Mom! What do you think of this draft?” And don’t obsess on your writing; reading already-sent emails is the lowest form of human behavior.  So here’s what you need to do: Get editors, be careful, and send off the correct version of your thoughts. (Your thoughts–not your feelings. I didn’t ever write to my ex about my feelings after she asked for the divorce, but what you decide to do is up to you.) Keep a copy of your emails for legal and logistical reasons, but don’t re-read them unless you need to do so.  Speaking as a depressive sad sack, I know that mulling over your words or, worse yet, her words or, perhaps the worst of them all, the words of her loved ones–man, that sh*t will just make you sadder about it. Be clear. Be careful. Then send it off. Don’t dwell. Break the cycle.

MAD ABOUT IT:

Speaking of breaking the cycle, now is not the time to go run into another woman’s arms. Wait. Want to guarantee an ugly battle? Go sleep with another woman before you and your ex have set those parameters. I get it, a divorce can feel emasculating and you want to reassert your manhood…and have sex. Even still, probably best to wait until it’s all said and done legally at least. Wouldn’t want to to spark any unintended consequences or lose your focus.  

As for what my cohort, Sad About It, was saying about written communication, I agree. It is to be taken very seriously. Always think, “How would this sound to a lawyer or a judge?” Texting and email can be a great way to communicate with your future ex while keeping her at arm’s length. Just keep in mind that the written word is forever, and you don’t want a momentary lapse in patience and judgement coming back to haunt you. Ernest Hemingway once said, “Write drunk. Edit sober.” That’s the general idea.