Familiarize yourself with these words because they’re real: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  Some people add other stages of grief to this list, and some of these newer ones, such as guilt and reconstruction, are very relevant to divorce.  There is a deep well of bullsh*t and good writing on all this stuff. You can look at charts and graphs or read about other people’s experiences all night long.  You can dig into these stages of grief ad nauseam, but if you know what those first five words mean then the only practical thing you’ll learn from further reading is that these aren’t linear stages.  You’ll cycle through feelings over and over. The other thing you won’t find out for a while is that grief is f*cked up. It is totally f*cked up. Ride this bronco to the best of your ability, and try not to fall off or you might get stomped in the face.

SAD ABOUT IT:

I laugh to think about it now, but I ran away from my problems for a while.  That was good to do, but I was in total denial. I had the ability to take time off from work, and I did that.  (Recommended!) I went on a trip, telling myself I was on a journey of self-discovery and healing. (Also recommended!)  Then I came home thinking I was fully in the acceptance phase. The truth was that I was only accepting of the reality of my divorce.  I was out of denial in that I wasn’t deluding myself into thinking I could get back with my ex, but I hadn’t even reached anger about my situation yet.  (Bummer!) And, to make matters worse, I was afraid of anger. What I learned over the next few months (and years, really) was that this sh*t takes a long time to deal with, there is no way to rush it, and you avoid grief at your own peril.  Putting off grief is like putting off a surgery to remove an abscessed tooth. It’s only going to get worse, and it is going to hurt no matter when you deal with it. Just lean into that sh*t. If you don’t, grief will get rid of your pus-filled tooth by curb-stomping your face at the worst possible moment.

MAD ABOUT IT:

I went to one therapy session on my own regarding my divorce. It was fantastic and accomplished exactly what I needed it to accomplish.  The guy I saw was an old guys’ guy. He reminded me of Ernest Hemingway. I walked into the session with my ring on and came out with it off.  That was the last time I ever wore the ring, and it had not left my body for the previous eight years. It felt significant. There was one other moment about the session that sticks with me.  He asked me if it was over, and I replied, “Yeah.” Then he said, “Now you cry.” I don’t remember when the waterworks came, but they did. And it felt right and good. By the way, check this out if you want to laugh about crying.

SAD ABOUT IT:

I love that story.  It is orderly and sane.  But not all of us can compartmentalize.  And not all of us will find a Hemingway Buddha.  So with that in mind, I want to discuss how messy sh*t can get, and this is going to take some words.  Emotionally speaking, you can’t expect a linear experience when you’re facing down grief’s various components.  The idea of moving from denial to acceptance in a straight line is nothing more than a model for achieving mental health after trauma, but it is only a model–it is not a reality.  Be ready for this kind of thing. I was talking about how I felt within the first two months, but fast-forward to seventeen months, and I knew I was well on my way toward acceptance.  I was taking care of myself, my sh*t was in order, and I didn’t think about her all the time. I joked with co-workers, kicked ass at my job, and kept it between the lines all the time.  Then–BOOM!–a so-called grief burst came ripping through my life in the form of anger. For two days everything pissed me off, and–if the people around me could have done so–peeling back the layers of my anger would have revealed unresolved sadness about losing control over my marriage.  I got it out the best I could–by resting, walking, and reflecting. I also put some rage into things around the house and avoided other people during my free time. (Rage cleaning! Rage arranging! Rage painting! Rage building!) Honestly, late night cigarettes helped, too. Eventually, thank God, that storm of anger passed, though that required yet more time away from work when it morphed into depression.  (I know that not everyone has such freedom, and I’m sorry for that.) Regardless of your situation, here is the important thing: I didn’t have to go back through bargaining or depression to rebound from my late and surprising grief burst. I didn’t have to start over. Grief is nonsensical and beyond your control, but it isn’t like a board game wherein you are sent back to start every time you struggle through an episode.  At the same time, you aren’t engaging grief; it is happening to you. It is the true experience of emotion. It is what happens when those intangible and subjective things we call feelings collide with the objective reality of your brain chemistry. This kind of emotional experience is the cost of being a human. Don’t try to ignore grief because you can’t cheat it. Do what you have to do to give yourself the room you need to ride it out.  It will f*ck with you at odd times and in unpredictable ways, but that is simply part of moving on. You’ll know when you’re done with it, and it will take longer than you want it to take. But be real with yourself, don’t be afraid to ask good people for help, and take your time in order to transform into a better person. Don’t cover things over, stew, or become a bitter asshole. Patiently make the progress you can make as you can make it; do this by being real and grieving like a champ.  Like a dear friend of mine always says, “If you can’t get out of something then you need to get really, really into it.”

MAD ABOUT IT:

“Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.”

– Master Yoda

It is easy to fall into anger and feel like a victim in life sometimes. Especially in a divorce. Getting on the other side of the hate game will let you get on with your life. The only way to do that is to let the past go. Grieving the past and putting it in its place is liberating. Don’t let the past walk all over your present and future. My Aunt was divorced about 20 years ago, and the vitriol she spits to this day over her ex-husband is debilitating for her. Sure, my Uncle cheated and could be a hurtful asshole, but my Aunt was not completely innocent; it usually takes two to f*ck up a marriage. But all that hate she is holding on to is hurting one person…her.

I may be Mad About It, but I am not going to let her continue to hold sway over my life after she has decided to no longer be involved in it. We all deserve our time to wallow in self-pity, but we also deserve to lead a life not handicapped by a hateful grudge.

“Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.”

– Jonathan Lockwood Hule