No one understands your pain, and–to be real–you’re probably miserable in ways that most people don’t really want to know about.  That said, now is the time to think about who you want to be like, and you should surround yourself with those guys. One thing is for sure, you need your bros–including a therapist.

SAD ABOUT IT:

When a divorce is pending or underway it is time to nurture new relationships or to cultivate long-neglected ones.  You need to be around other men who get what you’re going through. Take note of who is reaching out to you, too. Surround yourself with people you admire or, at least, people who are decent.  You might should be on the lookout for folks who are reaching out because they want to be a bad influence or to have an excuse for terrible behavior. Sorting out who’s who requires you to be on point and clear headed about what it means to be a stand up guy in the face of hell.  Look for good people and keep them around you. Most importantly, get a therapist. Do it now. Google your options, and make the call. Don’t be foolishly macho. You have feelings, and you better sort those out, too, and start doing that as soon as possible.

MAD ABOUT IT:

No matter how sh*tty things may have gotten between you and your no-longer spouse, there is a void. Someone has exited your life and that space has been evacuated. Some of that empty space is for you and you alone. But not all of it should be spent alone. This is a chance to go hang with your homies! If you’re anything like me, I was missing out on time with my friends. Finding a balance between wallowing a bit in the fact that you are alone in your experience and taking advantage of more free time to bro out and talk sh*t with your boys or lady-homies is ideal. You have a friend out of town you haven’t seen in a while? Get a ticket or hop in the car and go for a visit. It’s a double whammy; you get to vent and let loose with your friend and be in a fresh setting with fresh experiences, and that builds perspective. You will be a richer, fuller person for it.

SAD ABOUT IT:

Couldn’t agree more about the importance of an out of town bro, but you have to deal with home, too.  Moving out was a pain in the ass. I knew who my bros were because the offered to come over to pack boxes and to figure out other bullsh*t related to splitting up the stuff, the wreckage of my failed marriage.  Their wives and girlfriends sent food along, but my place was all male all the time with only one exception, and she was one of my bros too (a totally badass lady-homie). I imagine that I feel about these guys the way combat veterans feel about their old platoon buddies.  Seriously. I was in a tragic and traumatic space, and they came to help me. They didn’t leave me behind. I didn’t let them do the work for me, but they kept me moving. They would say, “What’s next?” Or they would stop me when I was getting too worked up. “Let’s step outside for a minute,” they might say.  It went along like that for weeks, and it all went along well thanks to my bros. I got a clear picture of who could “go there” with me, and that cultivated a strong sense of mutual loyalty. In other words, your divorce can bring you closer to others if you let it. (Men suck at making and keeping friends, so consider this crisis an opportunity to avoid the fate of those who end up doing pathetic things like hugging inanimate objects or worse.)  Find your local bros for the sake of knowing who you can count on.  Take note, too, of the ones who scatter in the face of trouble, but don’t write them off.  Just remember who’s who. And down the road remember who you want to be when others are facing down their own troubles.

MAD ABOUT IT:

Once things get supremely awkward at the house, you will want some refuge. Your true friends will open their door to you; go through it. They will listen to you bitch, cry, complain, etc. Good friends help you not do stupid sh*t. And we all need a little help to not do stupid sh*t sometimes. These angels want to be there for you and it makes them feel good. It’s a valuable thing to feel the love from your pals when you’re not feeling the love at home.

SAD ABOUT IT:

I remember that I took off my ring in front of my oldest bro and his wife.  They had let me stay at their house after I got the news from my future ex. (She had broken it to me over the goddamn phone!)  Anyway, the night she dumped me, like a total champ, I got drunk and puked a bunch. It was a low moment. By the next morning a couple harsh emails had found their way to my inbox.  Nothing was overtly mean, but all of it was overtly clear. My marriage was over. Hard truth. I realized the weight of this over coffee. I looked up from my phone, somewhat teary, and my friends were watching me in silence, anticipating that the unknown next moment was going to matter.  I just started talking. All sorts of stuff that I hadn’t realized was bothering me during the twilight of my marriage came together in the story I told. Unconsciously, I fidgeted with my ring. Then I took it off. Then I methodically wrapped it up in a handkerchief my bro had loaned me the night before.  I tied knots in the damn thing, and that was it. I never looked at my ring again. I threw it into the f*cking ocean, actually. My buddy didn’t tell me anything in the moment. He and his wife had been through some tough things. They, sadly, had become champions of grief. So they just listened. They bore witness.  Later, my friend never talked about that moment with me. One time he mentioned that the experience had been “interesting,” but he left it at that. He knew what was up. He knew it all. And our friendship was stronger for it. I had trashed his bathroom, by the way. But he didn’t care. We laugh about it now. He’s my bro.  He taught me a lot–especially that friends are essential. Whether a friend or a therapist, find someone who will let you talk yourself into taking off your ring and accepting that your marriage is ending.

MAD ABOUT IT:

Who are your divorced peeps?  Go hang and talk sh*t with them; they relate. They are likely your best resource since they have already navigated these treacherous waters. And, of course, misery loves company. These friends recognize your suffering. And there is comfort and community in that.

I got to be there for Sad About It when his sh*t started hitting the fan. I had just been through it a year or so before, so it was still pretty fresh. It was time to have a drink and a talk. So we did. And we were both better for it.

SAD ABOUT IT:

You were totally clutch.  Our common buddy from college told me to holler at you because you were in the sh*t.  That was absolutely rock solid advice. You swooped in with understanding, booze, smokes, and lots of insight.  You kicked “mad” wisdom. I needed that because I didn’t know many people who had gone through divorce in a healthy way.  It was weird, actually, because my oldest bro had no friends, at the time, who had divorced, so I was the pioneer in his world and, until I connected with you, mine as well.  I was flying blind, and the internet wasn’t much help in terms of guidance. Hell, I was so lonesome about this that I told my divorce attorney we should get drinks because I thought that he, at least, could deal with me talking about dark sh*t.  He passed on my offer, thank God. (Obvious subtext: Don’t try to hang out with your f*cking divorce attorney.) I was desperate and crazy to find someone who understood me, and, like I said, that’s where Mr. Mad About It proved a lifesaver. Find a divorced bro to gain perspective on the process.  I agree. With all that said, though, don’t assume that you can only be understood by a fellow divorced person. No dig on Mad About It, but hanging with only other divorced guys can lead to cynicism, and that can sow seeds for a bitter harvest of hurt in your future. So hang with bros who have awesome wives to gather some hope for your future and to remember that women are amazing.  I made this a ritualized thing–eating dinner with two trusted families every week. They had me over, and I kept it together on those nights. I hung out with my friends’ kids. I helped do the dishes. I interacted with a functional family to remember that life isn’t all about disappointment or sadness. In other words, I found my bros, but I didn’t totally embrace a hypermasculine bro culture, and I consciously turned away from run-of-the-mill bitterness or so-called toxic masculinity.  Most importantly, I avoided running down women–even my ex. That gave me a feeling of dignity, and–thankfully–my bros understood how I saw things. Bros rule that way. But you need to set the tone for your own grief. I just urge you to consider the importance of not turning into a raging dick or getting insane with the cynicism. Cynicism has its place, but it is cheap. Go high dollar when you can.

MAD ABOUT IT:

To Sad About It’s point about divorced dudes and cynicism, it’s true to an extent. It can be tough to come out of a divorce not jaded. A relationship you decided to forge forever just went kaflooey. It can shake your faith in people. To counter that, find some positive relationships you can have faith in. Your immediate family, old friends, your dog, your kid. The further on the other side of this I get, the more I realize how important it is to restore my faith in people. That faith is at the forefront of being able to open up and invite someone new to walk alongside us on the path.