Everything hurts, and you’re surrounded by a sense of failure and hostility.  We get it. Now is the time to think through what has happened to you, and it is important to realize that you can find support.  (If the wounds are fresh and you’re dangerously f*cked up about it all, please check out our post titled “Welcome to Hell.”)

SAD ABOUT IT:

I seriously wanted to break things to get the hurt out.  That isn’t a bad idea, but do that kind of sh*t with discretion and an awareness that you don’t want to break your life or hurt anyone else.  I mean, be smart. And when it comes to feelings, get them out. I’m Sad About It, so this is my advice: Write stuff down. I kept a daily journal about how I felt over the first month, and it helped me keep things in perspective.  I could spew all my venom into my journal, and I could look back on my feelings. This was cathartic in the moment, and it proved funny and sobering when I reviewed it in the future. Seriously, nothing may seem funny to you right now, and you might struggle to believe that you’ll ever need to remember the hurt you’re feeling right now.  But you will laugh at yourself in the future, and you will need to remember this pain to fortify yourself for what’s coming down the pike. Write things down. Survive this first season; don’t let it define you. Instead, define the experience by chiseling it into stone…or writing it with a pen…or typing it (offline) into your computer.  Just document your feelings in order to get them out and to have them around in case you forget what’s what.

MAD ABOUT IT:

See your life beyond the marriage.  You were you before your marriage, and you’re going to be you after your marriage.  Think back to the first day you met your wife, and remember all the dope sh*t you had done before that moment, and realize that you are going to get to do what you used to do.  Rediscover your life without marriage–without anticipating how the other will feel or react to the decisions you make. 

SAD ABOUT IT:

I took a pretty sad sack approach to getting over my marriage, but–in a way–it was totally boss.  As I said in a previous post, I was able to leave work for a while, and then a friend told me to walk “the Camino.”  As I learned, this is a trail that goes all the way across Spain, and it was perfect. A friend bought me a one-way ticket to Paris, and I wandered my way to the most common trailhead in St. Jean-Pied-de-Port, France, and I hiked three hundred miles to a place called Santiago de Compestella, Spain.  In Spain, I threw my f*cking wedding ring into the ocean. So if you can do this, consider it. If not, here is a transferable lesson: The whole pilgrimage I took was about intensely meditating on a question you might have about life. Mine: “Who am I without a wife?” I wrote about that sh*t for a month as I walked, and I’m so glad to have those memories and thoughts.  I realized, in part, I am the kind of freak who walks across Spain to get the feelings out. I also learned that I’m fine on my own. And I learned that women from the Czech Republic are screamingly hot. But the point is this: Do something for yourself, and open up to ideas like meditation. Maintain perspective by doing something new. Even if you’re having to meditate in a sh*tty bachelor pad apartment, your friend’s basement, or a church pew, take time to think about yourself and how you’re progressing, one step at a time in my case, toward some sort of resolution.  The power of meditation is explained in a wonderfully snarky and uber-masculine way in this great book.  (There is an accompanying app.)  I got something out of those stories as I worked through my sh*t.  So I encourage you to buy those things if you’re intrigued, but–even if you’re not going to do this kind of “work” on a grand scale–please consider giving yourself time to reflect and think about what you’re experiencing because there is no use in avoiding your hurt.  Lean into it in order to learn from it. Consider the Camino, too, if you have time for it. Here is a great guide book about it, or–if you’re not going to do it–just watch this movie to understand that all kinds of people suffer, and you’re not alone in being a suffering person.  Keep perspective.

MAD ABOUT IT:

One of the best ways to gain perspective is to widen your perspective. Pull your head out of your day-to-day. There are many ways to do it. You could go volunteer, just to put your problems in perspective, and it carries the bonus of helping others. Or maybe pick up a new hobby that takes you into a new space, both physically and mentally. There is also the option of a trip, a vacation, if you have the means. I always find escape and new perspective when I travel to a place I have never been. I tried all of these options. And they each had the desired effect. But, nothing felt more exciting, satisfying, and liberating than taking a trip. My Ex and I share a child. I took that child to a theme park that we were both excited to visit. Of course we had not been on such a vacation on our own before, so that carried its own freedoms. No more checking in or hearing a lot of silly “no’s” from the buzz kill that had become my ex-wife. It was fabulous. And it was something that was just our thing, a memory that I could always go back and remember how exciting things could be without that leading lady. Choose one and open up your world!

SAD ABOUT IT:

Six months after my ex- had dropped a bomb on my life, I wandered over to a friend’s fortieth birthday party.  (Honestly, I went over late because I was afraid of dealing with a big crowd, and I figured that a late night hang would be more chill.)  I was on a sobriety kick after a long run of drinking far too much, far too often. I showed up to discover my friend and his buddies were reliving their high school days by eating psychedelic mushrooms around a campfire.  Everything was funny to them, and I ran with it. Hell, I got on a roll (without eating any mushrooms), and I felt like a comedy God. I also laughed more that night than I had in any other night over the preceding six months.  I decided I wanted more of that, so–just under a month later–I took another friend up on the offer of visiting a local potter’s workshop. I thought, “This could be lame.” In fact, I almost backed out. I’m so glad I didn’t, because the hang was epic; it got me in touch with my country boy roots.  We shot beebee guns, threw knives, checked out motorcycles, drank cheap beer, smoked Marlboros, and told dirty jokes. (Clearly, my sobriety kick had come to an end by then.) We laughed a ton, and I went to bed realizing that, for the second time in a month, I had had a sh*tload of fun. Why? Because I had put myself out there into social situations where men were enjoying themselves together.  Pay attention to such opportunities, because laughter will help you keep perspective. Looking back, that was a turning point because I realized that getting out of my place and thrusting myself into foreign situations was good for me. It probably will be for you, too.

MAD ABOUT IT:

Get out in the woods by yourself if you can. Go build a fire like men have done since the beginning. Go deep inside and sit with the light, heat, and smoke. Let the crackle be your soundtrack. Just sit there and be your own man. If this is a pastime you don’t normally enjoy, do it. There is nothing like it. Get your eyes off the phone and on the embers; they tug at something primal. The fire makes space for you to remember and forget.