No one likes to talk about the basic stuff, but you need to keep up with your hygiene when you’re in the puss-stuffed trenches of sh*t-ass misery.  Making your bed, brushing your teeth, and getting haircuts need to be priorities for you. Put that crap in your daily routine. Put it in your planner.  Don’t slack off. Most importantly, shower.

SAD ABOUT IT:

I remember this dude who got a divorce at my workplace.  This was years before my marriage blew up, and I thought things like, “What a sad sack.”  “That would never happen to me–thank God!” And, “Dude, what’s that smell?” Then I was the f*cking sad sack, and one day I woke up a bit hungover and pressed for time.  Committed to NOT letting booze get in the way of my work life, I decided to skip my morning shower. I threw water on my face, and I put on extra deodorant. Halfway through the day I was in a meeting, and I caught a whiff of myself.  Shame city. I was that guy. I was humbled. (Hats off to the New York Times for publishing a pretty good article on figuring out the best daily showering routines.)

MAD ABOUT IT:

Yes, showering and hygiene are important, have always been important, and will continue to be important. Keep your nails, hair/head, balls, fumunda, and ass in good order. Now you are entering uncharted territory. You are in a new and, potentially, exciting realm, where you have the opportunity to meet, relate, and have sex with a new person. Yes. Fun, unabated, and not weighted down by years of bullsh*t, sex. Doesn’t that sound good? Divorce sucks. But every cloud… Be respectful, be safe, but go out there and do what humans do. To give yourself a real, legitimate shot at this silver lining you have to maintain a fresh situation. Every relationship is a new one. No matter if it is a tinder hookup or quenching a long, unrequited love. Either way, she will appreciate if you smell nice, and you are certainly more likely to enjoy each other if you don’t stink. It’s worth the effort, and so are you and your playmate. 

SAD ABOUT IT:

I was in a dark, dirty place when she left me.  I basically went to sh*t in terms of self-care. Something tells me I’m in the majority on this one.  Of course, it wasn’t just about showering. My house was a rat’s nest. Clothes on the ground and dust everywhere.  Hats off to the New York Times for publishing a bad-ass article on how to clean your house.  An indispensable guide, that New York Times article saved my ass in terms of giving me a strategy for cleaning up my place after months of living in filth.  I still read it all the time. Essential. Once I got over the hump, too, I discovered this glorious vacuuming robot that took care of my apartment.  (Dope!)  It is amazing, but be warned that it isn’t perfect for everyone.  It can lead to some pretty shockingly f*cked up problems if you have a dog and expect the vacuuming to happen while your away (and when your dog has crapped in the house).  This is rare and kind of funny. Here’s a quck video that shows a pretty outrageous aftermath of irresponsible robot/dog ownership.  Here’s a funny realtime video of the problem occuring.  (This is a thing.)  As for me, no problems, and I love my robot.  I even named her. My house is always pimping now.

MAD ABOUT IT:

Candles and PooPourri. I’m telling you. Essentials. And candles that smell good. Not just good, but classy. Distinguish yourself, motherf*cker. Also, when it comes to keeping it clean, that goes for your crib, too. If you’re anything like me, you were left with your pockets pretty well turned out. So, once you get your feet under you, get some new sh*t that is all you. Something that is independently your thing. Or just fun and a f*ck-you to your old life. I bought a love sac. Something my Ex would have scoffed at. So I consequently take immense pleasure in lounging on my new addition. I play video games on it, watch movies, read, have sex…you get the idea. All the while, I feel proud of my spot. And I also feel that it is mine and that I belong there, completely. And when she drops by my place for the check, I know who’s country I’m standing in. A man’s home is his castle. Make it so.