Hi Stranger,
You’re divorcing. What the hell? Everything is awful. Life sucks. People are f*ckers. You’re sad about it and mad about it, and we are too.
We get it. You promised her everything, and she did the same. But as you’re learning, it takes two people to enter into a marriage…and only one person to end one. Now that your marriage is torn apart it is time to start taking care of yourself. All those promises are in tatters on the ground, but you’re still standing. Remember that.
Whatever has gone wrong enough in your life to get you to this website is serious. And we are seriously sorry about that. Still, we encourage you to look ahead rather than gaze back at the sh*t show you just escaped. Break the rearview mirror off the windshield, and drive away as quickly and as safely as possible.
Moving along solo after having a wife is not easy, so we’ll put it straight to you. You are entering a soul sucking hell, or perhaps you have found this website because you are pulling yourself out of the painful sense of disappointment and failure that comes with being in hell.
Regardless, know that you are far from the only guy down here. It’s actually a crowded place because the divorce rate remains high (perhaps it’s approaching a record high or perhaps it’s nearing a 40-year low), and it’s also crowded down here because some people are complete assholes. We’re not, so read on.
This site is mostly written in a light-hearted way, but it deals with really heavy sh*t. If you’re freshly facing down the prospect of divorce, though, this specific page of this specific blog is for you, and it isn’t light-hearted at all.
Here is an essential list of “don’ts” about getting out of this hellscape of pain and mayhem while causing minimal damage:
- Don’t hurt yourself or others. If you’re cracking either go to this website for suicide prevention via online chatting, go to this one for a phone number to someone who can talk to you about your suicidal feelings, or call these people because they are nice; and, just for good measure, here is a link about not hurting other people. It’s no secret that men sometimes grow violent when facing a colossal disappointment like divorce, and we encourage you to work through your anger without acting on it.
- Don’t drink and drive. If you’re in need of a lift then go to this website to download Uber or just Google “taxi” if an app is too difficult for you right now (or if you’re too drunk to sort out an app at this moment). If you live in the country, start walking to a store if you must get something and you’re too impaired to drive. Why? Drinking and driving is f*cking dangerous, at worst, and really expensive, at a minimum. You are in a prime demographic for getting a DUI, and that would be bad news for a whole sh*tload of reasons.
- Don’t call her. If you think you need to call her then call your best man. If you can’t call him (for whatever reason) then call your real best man. If you can’t figure out who that is then call a family member. If you can’t call a family member then call a minister. If you don’t have a minister then contact someone at this general crisis management group. Just don’t call her. You’re no longer her husband, and harassment is an actual legal thing that you do not want any part of–not ever and especially not at this particular moment.
- Don’t take illegal drugs. If you are feeling the urge to start scratching an old itch then go to this website. Drug habits suck, and you’re on your own now. Plus, doing drugs will only hurt you as you head toward a real, legal divorce. Your soon-to-be ex won’t save you from yourself at this point (if she ever did in the past). In fact, she might f*ck you up if you get on drugs because you all are about to begin seriously complex negotiations of huge consequence. Keep your wits about you, and keep it together.
- Don’t escalate the situation. Here is a website about staying cool and managing your anger. You are going to have to communicate about heavy stuff in the midst of great tension, and it will be better for everyone if that is done in a way that is totally civil and respectful. Maybe you’re trying hard not to think about things right now, but when you are in the moment of communicating with her be sure to think about everything you’re doing as you do it. Be calm and clear-headed in order to avoid regretful outbursts or big trouble. You’re living through a period of hyperreality; your experiences will carry heightened intensity, meaning, and consequence. Holding your tongue now is especially important if you wish to have a better future.
- Don’t think you’re above other people. You should not be ashamed to Google “divorce support group” to find one near you. These exist. There are general support groups, too. Some are just for men, but those can get kind of weird. (Jus’ saying!) The point, here, is that you can get support from people who are experiencing or have experienced similarly traumatic events. That’s right. This is a trauma. (Welcome to the adult table.) Exploring the reality of trauma might help you, but you’ll have to seek out that kind of experience. Doing so is worth it if you are feeling utterly isolated. (A friend of the blog recommends the ManKind Project as a solid option.)
- Don’t make any major financial moves. This is pretty clear, but it bears stating. You and your future ex-wife should have an understanding about your money. Hammering this out by email might be smart because it would avoid ambiguity. Not having an understanding, though, can lead to trouble. People have been known to drain bank accounts when they’re facing a divorce, but that behavior is very much discouraged by most lawyers. The result is complicated. You may find yourself asking for a loan from family or friends in the months ahead even though you have a robust savings account or a steady job; that happens, and it might save you from losing out in divorce negotiations. For sure, though, you don’t want to go on a spending spree right now. Keep everything close to the ground.
That about does it. Welcome to hell. We’ve been there, and we’re not there anymore. We both made our exits with reasonable grace and minimal damage. Read on for our tips about how you can make a similar escape.
The rest of this blog is composed of a bunch of posts–not always in any particular order–designed to help guys work their way toward freedom and health after a divorce. We settled on a design and architecture for the whole blog before launching it in the summer of 2019, but we expect it will populate with posts, responses, and stuff we haven’t thought about yet. What follows, now, is an explanation of this website’s different parts (some are up now–others are coming soon). We’re laying it all out for you, so that you have a sense of this blog’s intentions, contents, and its planned trajectory in the months and years ahead.
Who are we? Find out all we’re willing to share at “We Are Virtually There for You.” Also, on that page you’ll eventually find a way to contact us as well as different ways you can support us.
If you want to read some information about getting through the experience of a divorce then head to “Survive.” Maybe you’re further along on the struggle or you’re looking for advice on the divorced lifestyle; if so, head over to “Thrive.” Both pages will be populated, eventually, with piles of perspectives, stories, and links.
What’s the point of this website? Learn a little bit by checking out “What is this blog? What isn’t this blog?”
Want mad sad schwag? Know that you will eventually be able to buy some different stuff from “Misery’s Company.” (Coming soon to a screen near you? We’ll see how all this goes first.)
Our aim is to write enough posts, eventually, that you’ll have roughly one post to consider every other week or so for up to two years. The experts say it usually takes up to two years to get everything sorted out, and we’re writing with that timeline in mind. We’ll see how far we get with our plans, and we’ll understand if you go ahead and binge your way through this whole site at once. (We’re only getting started in 2019, so it will be pretty easy to binge it all until we really get up and running–hopefully by 2020.)
The writing on this site, we feel, is decent, and we believe the information is solid too. We talk about ourselves, but we try to do so in a way that provides guidance. That’s our intention. How you use this blog is up to you, but we hope it proves helpful and constructive for you as you work out your problems.
One thing is for sure, you’re not alone. Hang in there, and you’ll get out of hell.
Sincerely,
And profoundly,
Sad About It & Mad About It